It’s one of those days, you woke up in the middle of the night and you just had to tell something to someone, or write the thoughts that have been randomly emerging in your mind. It comes and goes and comes back again but you just can’t get a hold of it. A hold of what’s really bothering you. Of what seems to be depriving you from your sleep.
Maybe what’s bothering me is something to do with people around me. Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships. Be it friends, close friends, foes and what ever you call it. Building bridges along the way and much to my dismay some burnt, either by me or by the person at the other end. There are sometimes that you just had to walk away, fixing it would only worsen conditions. But for all the bridges I’d burnt, the thought slipped in my mind that I’ve should’ve done things the other way. I should’ve taken the road that would fabricate of somewhat resembles something to hang on. I should’ve done this or that. The point is I wish I had done things differently. Sometimes, I just can’t justify my actions. Does it need justifying? Do I have to live and tell people all the things I did or want to do just to make sure that everyone is ok with it? Does it make things ok if the whole world backs you up? I’m just tired explaining myself countless of times. It leaves me exhausted, beat and worn out.
My passiveness sometimes makes people into thinking that I’m all fine and dandy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with what I have but it’s just one of those days that you just had a mood swing, someone gets in your way or your pet cat suddenly decided it had enough of eating friskies, it wants lamb chops and fries with onion rings instead. You received a message from a stranger or from someone you met who doesn’t even know you but who’s talking down to you. You could be calm and collected and react accordingly but doesn’t it bother you on how much it bothers you?
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who gives you that funny pleasant feeling and makes you blissfully ignorant about the world around you? Have you ever been oblivious and not a care of your surroundings but just the two of you in your own rendition of a perfect world? Make you do impulsive things with no regrets. Not being able to have control and your thoughts just gets haywire and confused in making reasonable decision? Well I’ve been there once and it was hard for me kneeling down picking up the pieces. I know maybe I’m being too melancholic about it but that’s the honest truth. The pieces had somehow influenced my actions as well as my attitude towards having that kind of relationship. Made me held back and wait.
Even with that said, I have been thinking about seeking companionship. The thought has been dwelling in my mind for quite some time now. Deep down inside I feel the need to have someone close. I don’t feel like this all the time but sometimes when I’m completely utterly alone, I feel the loneliness slowly creeps to me in the middle of the night thinking that I’ll wake up to the same morning on the same bed with thoughts of wanting for someone. Glancing at the mirror to see a familiar face I came to know since I can remember. These tired eyes looking and telling me obviously about something I’ve been missing out. Continued with monologues I acquainted with myself since I first started to realize that I could hear my own thoughts in my head. Thoughts of how I’m going to deal with my life. Sometimes the thought is just as simple as where I’m going out for breakfast. But on some odd day, you just look and you wonder after all these years, what have you learned? What’s your next step in life? Where do you want to go and why you’re still alone?
Who am I trying to lie? Maybe the truth is that I am afraid of rejection. Furthermore if the one you have feeling for is the one you’ve known for quite some time. To deal with the awkwardness of the situation after you finally reveal your true feelings. To say the things you really want to say at the right moment when you want to say it. Somehow something is telling me not to push it and to wait for an invitation to affirm. What will happen then? Will things be the same afterwards? I know that I’ve said to people so many things about relationships and how to get it or keep it. But it’s just so damn hard when you’re the one dealing with it. Or is it that I’m making it hard on myself? Just forget the consequences and just spur your heart out like there’s no tomorrow. At least you’ll get the answer you’re searching for without wasting your time anymore. What have you got to loose? It could be nothing but it could mean everything. Perhaps I’m just waiting for the right moment. Or it’s just me being scared.
Sometimes, I think that maybe we began to run before we even began to learn to walk. Because it’s this feeling that I’m getting tired each day and feel like I’m slowly walking to a mundane life. But on the other hand, I want my days fulfilled, I want each day I walk this earth I would make a difference in this world. I want to be somebody to someone. Significant, defined, trusted and love. Even if that world consist of only my circle of friends.
Am I depressed? I find myself having the lack of motivation to do the things that I used to do. I used to play sports everyday of my life since I first knew how to kick, to hit or just simply jog around the neighborhood or running in the track. I remembered it was fun. I used to sketch and paint when I had the chance. I even used to dance. And also I remembered that I had no worries at all. But things happened, I had to make choices, I had to think my life through from an early stage of life. Too early I guess. I forgot to enjoy the ride. I guess it started on a fateful night when I lost my father, since then, I believed sacrifices had to be made, things I had to let go and things I had to pass up. Until I forgot what really counts.
Is it possible for me to step back and take my own pace forward? Can I just sit back without the faintest clue about where I’m heading. Taking pleasure in all the little things that happens along the way. Does it make me less responsible? Does it lessen the weight on my shoulder? Does it make my life whole? Does it?